Here at Worship Artistry we're always equipping you to bring your best. Well, here's 10 ways to be the best at being the worst.
10. Never stop playing.
Not before the set starts. Not in between songs. Not when someone is talking. Not when someone is praying. Not even when the service is over and the sound guy has put the background music on. NOT EVER. Silence is for players who don’t know the blues scale.
9. Recognize every song you play is beneath you.
The chords are too easy. The riff isn’t creative enough. There’s not a single augmented chord in the whole thing! If it was a real song it would include finger-tapping, now wouldn’t it? Be sure to let out an audible groan when the song is announced so everyone knows it’s lame.
8. Don’t waste money on a tuner.
Tuners are for rookies and you don’t want to dull your ear. If you go out of tune in a set, you can either turn up your volume and tune over the song or better yet, just keep playing out of tune because the musical idiots in your church can’t tell the difference anyway. Don’t worry about any dirty looks you might receive. They’re just jealous of your musical superiority.
7. Take on an irritated demeanor when motioning your sound engineers.
I like to scowl, point emphatically at my guitar and then jam my thumb into the air. Throwing both hands up in the air with an exasperated shrug is also acceptable. Just be sure you exaggerate enough so everyone in the congregation knows all your wrong notes are the sound guy’s fault. Speaking of sound...
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6. Understand that you are never loud enough.
You can combat this by bumping your instrument volume up a few ticks as soon as the set starts. That way if you aren’t loud enough in the house mix, the stage volume can overwhelm the house and at least a few more people will hear that raging solo you decided to add to the middle of the chorus.
5. Make sure everyone knows your time is more valuable than theirs.
This is easy to do and super effective. Simply show up to practice late and then wait until everyone else has set up before even taking your gear out of the bag. Bonus points if you have technical problems once you are set up.
4. Play the wrong part.
Sure everyone else is trying to play as a cohesive unit and counting on you for the hook, but your ideas are definitely better than the hacks who recorded the album. No need to learn a part when you can just make up one of your own.
3. Find a sidekick.
You know you’re number one but one is the loneliest number. Choose someone on the team you can crack jokes to, roll your eyes with and keep in a side conversation while your team is figuring out a song. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all the weight of derailing practice on your own.
2. Be competitive.
Your position on the team is the sole basis for your self-worth so you must protect it at all costs. Be sure to offer lots of critique while accepting none. Put others down to raise yourself up. Don’t be encouraging. If your bass player’s band is recording an album, ask who’s producing it and then comment you’ve never heard of them. Then talk about your own music career for the rest of the conversation. Backhanded complements are a plus. “Nice job on that drum fill. When I heard it on the record I didn’t think you could land it. Another week of practice and you should have it."
1. Above all, you need to realize is that the worship team is all about you.
You're a busy person and the team is lucky to even have you. If you keep this attitude, everything you do will make you the worst worship musician ever.
If after all this you are set on being a good musician, you can sign up for a free Worship Artistry account here and start improving. Now, what did I miss?
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